Here's a thought. I f****d up.

Have you ever had a feeling like you're standing in front of a freaking concrete wall and have no possible way of breaking trough it? Because that's how I feel right now. I found myself in such a difficult situation that I just see no way out of it. And it's literally tearing me up.

It is very difficult for me to write this right now, as my head is just all over the place and my body is constantly in a panic mode. Last year was the year I graduated high school. And that summer was about to determine my future as I was choosing what college should I go to. Being very artistic person I knew it has to be something with media involved. But also as a person that's against classical education I was seriously considering taking a gap year just to have time to see my possibilities and where I stand and what would be the best thing to do.

Well I didn't take a year off. Having people around me that are all about what is written on a piece of paper and nothing about winging it, it was impossible to have them understand what was going on in my head. I felt pressured to enrol somewhere by people I know, by society, by the fact that if you take a gap year you fall out of the system and it's harder to enrol later on...and I cracked under it. So here I am, compromising five year college with a sped up diploma course that I have close to zero chance of passing.

As I wrote before, I always wanted to do something media, TV, theatre, music related. And yes I still have big dreams of becoming an artist even though I'm a bit late. I never ever feel comfortable talking to others about my dreams as not a lot of people have the understanding about the entertainment industry. I realise that what you're called on a paper means nothing here. What matters is how much talent you have, the potential, the passion and hard work you put in getting better each day. If it was up to me I would have ditched the stereotypical way of growing up a long time ago. I'm no better now than how I was 5 years ago and that time could have been invested into learning maybe how to play an instrument or some other skill. But that's just the ideal situation.

The most important thing for me is to be happy. My whole life I've spent trying to grow up into a successful, young, independent woman. Having an older sister honestly determined the person I am now. Every bit of me is based off of her. She is probably the only thing I've spent my time observing every day, seven days a week and having her hit the puberty first helped me realise what I should and should not do. The only thing I hoped for, in the long run, was that I would make everyone around me proud of who I am and what I'm accomplishing. But I failed.

Yes, my goals are big. No they are not impossible to achieve. Just to make clear...I'm in no way saying I want to be an actress or a singer or something drastic like that. But yes I do want to travel the world. I do want to make an impact on other peoples lives. And I will never be able to do that if I agree on having an eight hour job in the same place for who knows how long. I am very much aware of others not being happy with my decisions and the way I think. I know that people badmouth me, I'm not dumb. But I'm so tired of making everyone around me happy and not taking care of my well being. I'm not happy. I'm miserable and conflicted between chasing the opportunities or chasing a tittle. If only I could break this wall on time so I'm able to connect myself with my life.

Vacationing in Pasman, Croatia

Greetings to you all! Hope you're all doing well. Sure there's no overheating..passing out..all that typical summer things. It has been quite hot to be honest so I'm really loving this rainy week of crazy storms and beautiful clouds. Feels like my brain is finally working again!

The vacation season is obviously in full swing. Some of you may or may not have been able to travel, or at least go to a pool. If not, I apologise for this torture post filled with nice-view pictures.

Luckily I got two weeks off from my studies. The heat is unbearable at this time of the year and I can't wait to get my diploma. I mean, who even is able to think during this heat?! The last two weeks have been busy, busy. I got an okay result on my exam, happily came back home, filled my tummy with a lot of home cooked food, went to see my friend ~ who I'm jealous off because she has an apartment approximately 70 m from the beach ~ in Pašman, Croatia where we had a week of blast. Sea, food, ice cream and crime shows! Can't ask for a better getaway.

I also came to realisation of the reason why I am so bored every summer. It's just that possibly every friend of mine has a house or an apartment in the walking distance to the beach while I'm stuck 150 km or something in the grey, asphalt covered town, alone and dyeing of boredom. And as an adult there is only so much time you can manage to be with your family. I love them to death, but sometimes it's just too much to take.

I am just happy there are some good souls ready to have me as their guest. I'm so so grateful to have them as my friends since friends and my name together in one sentence doesn't work ~ socially awkward human here what else to say. I loved every minute spent there mostly eating and avoiding having pictures of me taken. Sorry human friend! You were very nice to me and fed me good! =P

Struggles of wearing clothes in the summer

Hello everyone! As I'm all happy, nice smelling after shower now I thought what a nice opportunity to sit down and write a thing or two. I kind of want to talk about my fashion style. This has already been discussed but I did discover some new stuff. So let's talk!

Something tells me my style hasn't developed completely yet. To be honest I find it quite annoying, mainly because it requires different pieces of clothes for different style that changes with my mood...meaning buying more clothes...clothes costs...I annoyingly pay for those clothes...I'm frustrated for the rest of the day with the lack of papers in my wallet.

Well, it is summer now, well almost, and there has been a DRASTIC change in the temperature. Honestly two weeks ago everything was fine, then there's a weekend, all good...spending time laying around not bothering to go anywhere. Then BAM! Monday came and I swear I was like a turkey out of the oven! The sun is suddenly burning so hard that it actually hurts. And even worse, there is really no summer clothes in my closet. Somehow I never think of those extreme hot days when shopping and now I'm doomed!

So I've been doing some googling recently just to kind of get the idea of what summer pieces I like and how to put them together without having to pretend I don't have insecurities or be overheated. And since Coachella happened, I've been loving this rockish-indie-going to a festival kind of look. Basically band T-shirts, tops, skinny jeans, some light ankle boots with a hat on top. I absolutely love hats, they are so important to not overheat my head because I do tend to pass out so fedoras all the way!

Because I absolutely can't stand jeans in the summer, especially when I have to literally peel them off of me at the end of the day I did come up with an alternative. Lets say some thicker thighs with a loose longer top, ankle boots and of course a hat. That would be pretty ok version for someone not ready to show skin, right? I would also try and wear a cardigan or something long sleeved just because I tan really easily. In a matter of hours I can get 5 shades darker and then it's hard to even it out later when I'm on holiday. So I kind of look like a penguin.

To many people, I know I sound ridiculous right now. Who wears anything long in the summer?? But who doesn't have struggles. I would love to know what is your go to look on a hot summer day, so if you're up for it, leave a comment below.

Thank you for reading! Byyyy

A bundle of ramble

It's a bit of a struggle, this life. Don't worry, I'll try not to make this post as some pitiful story about  my mood and feelings lately. I just wanted to give you an update on what's been going on and why I haven't written anything for a long time.

By this time I think it has became quite obvious that I'm very weak when it comes to giving into my laziness. It's bad,and it's even worse when I'm not feeling a 100%. And the reason behind that is the fact that I'm currently fighting for my place in this world, not seeing any progress. I get strongly affected by the progress I make. It makes me even more inspired. But, it works in the opposite way also...and I just can't help but feel bummed.

Somehow, I always have this itch to write...keep writing, keep expressing myself, keep creating. But despite the fact I absolutely love making new blog posts, I can't get myself to write about anything I usually write about. I don't want to change the main "theme" of my blog with posts like this one so I usually contemplate whether to write a crappy beauty/fashion/life blog post or absolutely nothing. But it has been too long so I felt as if I owe an explanation.

One thing no one knows about me is that I have periods of being really optimistic, energetic, inspired and then another day comes along with the pessimistic period that lasts for a while. And it simply snaps between those two. But I'm a person that lives in a moment so it's not noticeable to others. Only I feel it. And it makes me really frustrated because I feel like I fail myself when I don't write a post, or work on a song, or just go out on a sunny day just because I, at that moment, don't see the point.

This blog means a lot to me. For many different reasons. I love to write about things and share my opinion. And to get a response from some of the readers is even better. So, to keep up with regular updating I decided to write posts in advance and make a use of that "I'm so happy, let's go do something" time. That way there is no way I miss a date to post. I'm making it an obligation to get myself back on track. Go trough this crappy phase and learn to live and be happy.

P.S. Sorry for all the pessimism but I just feel like s**t. ;) Byyy

Home for the holiday

Helloo to all my dearest readers! I wanted to take a look at these past few days of my, so called, vacation. Since it was May 1st, or rather known as International Workers Day, I took a few days off to spend with my family. And what was supposed to be a 5 day break turned into 6 days, which then turned into 7 days and today is the last day I get to be lazy. I would say I'm completely ready to get back to work and be productive...but honestly...that would be one big fat lie.

I'm not sure how all of you celebrate this holiday, but I'll tell you a little about what we do. In my hometown it is tradition to go to this park where they give out bean soup, or stew, to people. I love this tradition because the food is really good. Of course, the day couldn't go without some candy floss and tons of ice cream too.

The mayor also gives out flowers every year which I sadly didn't get. I have seen the president, though. That was kind of interesting. What was scary was the big, too dark cloud that was right above the park...and strangely there was terrible thunder but with no rain. All and all, it was a good day. We have gotten wet later on cause of rain, but it was fun.
The whole weekend was absolutely fantastic, I had a splendid time if I may say so! Lots of food, even more sleeping and quite a few new clothing items.

Hopefully all of you had a lovely weekend as well. This is all from me for now. Stay well!