Here's a thought. I f****d up.

Have you ever had a feeling like you're standing in front of a freaking concrete wall and have no possible way of breaking trough it? Because that's how I feel right now. I found myself in such a difficult situation that I just see no way out of it. And it's literally tearing me up.

It is very difficult for me to write this right now, as my head is just all over the place and my body is constantly in a panic mode. Last year was the year I graduated high school. And that summer was about to determine my future as I was choosing what college should I go to. Being very artistic person I knew it has to be something with media involved. But also as a person that's against classical education I was seriously considering taking a gap year just to have time to see my possibilities and where I stand and what would be the best thing to do.

Well I didn't take a year off. Having people around me that are all about what is written on a piece of paper and nothing about winging it, it was impossible to have them understand what was going on in my head. I felt pressured to enrol somewhere by people I know, by society, by the fact that if you take a gap year you fall out of the system and it's harder to enrol later on...and I cracked under it. So here I am, compromising five year college with a sped up diploma course that I have close to zero chance of passing.

As I wrote before, I always wanted to do something media, TV, theatre, music related. And yes I still have big dreams of becoming an artist even though I'm a bit late. I never ever feel comfortable talking to others about my dreams as not a lot of people have the understanding about the entertainment industry. I realise that what you're called on a paper means nothing here. What matters is how much talent you have, the potential, the passion and hard work you put in getting better each day. If it was up to me I would have ditched the stereotypical way of growing up a long time ago. I'm no better now than how I was 5 years ago and that time could have been invested into learning maybe how to play an instrument or some other skill. But that's just the ideal situation.

The most important thing for me is to be happy. My whole life I've spent trying to grow up into a successful, young, independent woman. Having an older sister honestly determined the person I am now. Every bit of me is based off of her. She is probably the only thing I've spent my time observing every day, seven days a week and having her hit the puberty first helped me realise what I should and should not do. The only thing I hoped for, in the long run, was that I would make everyone around me proud of who I am and what I'm accomplishing. But I failed.

Yes, my goals are big. No they are not impossible to achieve. Just to make clear...I'm in no way saying I want to be an actress or a singer or something drastic like that. But yes I do want to travel the world. I do want to make an impact on other peoples lives. And I will never be able to do that if I agree on having an eight hour job in the same place for who knows how long. I am very much aware of others not being happy with my decisions and the way I think. I know that people badmouth me, I'm not dumb. But I'm so tired of making everyone around me happy and not taking care of my well being. I'm not happy. I'm miserable and conflicted between chasing the opportunities or chasing a tittle. If only I could break this wall on time so I'm able to connect myself with my life.